DAY ONE - THE BAY OF BISCAY.

Sunday 4th July  

5:00 a.m.

The gentle rocking of the ship became a mad thrashing about. I tuned my TV to the ships information channel to check the weather report. We were currently experiencing a 45 mph gale, gusting diagonally across the ship from the port bow to the starboard stern. That’s the left of the pointy end to the right of the blunt end, for those not of a nautical bent. Now please don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those predisposed to panic, but I have seen ‘Titanic’ and ‘The Poseidon Adventure’ therefore I am fully aware of what can happen. With the muster drill still fresh in my mind I went off, to sleep in one of the lifeboats, just in case. Seriously though, the pitching about of the ship did make it very difficult to sleep.

5:30 a.m.

The ships clock on the TV said that it was 6:30 a.m. and with the feeling of having had no sleep at all I got up, carried out my ablutions and dressed. I returned to the Waterside restaurant which should have been serving a buffet breakfast. Instead of the hoards of hungry holiday makers I discovered that I was alone. It transpired that the time was only 6 a.m. and the clocks did not officially go forward until we reached the Pillars of Hercules and the Mediterranean sea. I went back to bed.

9:30 a.m.

I resurfaced and broke my fast on melon, pineapple, ham off the bone, mini pan au chocolate and coffee. Feeling replete I set about planning my day. I read the ships newspaper, which is delivered to my cabin every evening and lists the following days activities and events.

10:45 a.m.

THE TAMARIND CLUB

PROF. TREVOR

I went along to the Tamarind Club on deck 7 to hear a lecture about the Spanish Armada, given by Prof. Trevor Haywood (I wonder if he is any relation to Uncle Albert). 

The lecture was very interesting and lasted about an hour. Afterwards, at the back of the room, the Prof. was punting out copies of his new book ‘Flesh and Bone: The lives, deaths and funerals of British monarchs’. 

11:30 a.m.

THE RED ROOM

I consulted by daily itinerary and found that there was a get together for solo travelers in the Red Room, so along I trotted hoping to meet up with, if you’ll excuse the pun, people in the same boat as me. Ha ha. I am Sorry, I couldn’t resist it.

Apart from the five animated crew members, I was the only participant. We had a coffee and a nice, if somewhat awkward, chat. I arranged to meet one of them in the Red Bar for another get together and a drink in the evening before the captains reception. I was assured that there should be more people there.

DOLLY

5:45 p.m.

NICE PUPPIES

Again the solo travelers get together was poorly attended. Only the big breasted Cornish lass (crew), myself and an old girl, Dolly, who had more wrinkles than a shar-pei puppy and looked like she had been around since before God was a boy.

CARY

SIMON

The Captains Gala Reception was a formal event so I had to wear my dinner suit. 

My suit had become somewhat creased in transit (although not as much as Dolly) so I’d had it sent to the laundry, along with my dress shirts, to be pressed. 

SILK KNOTS

My shirts, in due course, came back sans cufflinks, which had been of the black silk knot variety. 

Therefore I had to wear my Ben Sherman ones instead. I wasn’t happy because they don’t go with a dinner suit and stick out like a pair of bull dogs doo-dahs. 

THE DOGS DANGLYS

I complained about it to my cabin wallah, Freddie, and he said that he would endeavour to retrieve them. It was easy to remember Freddie’s name, because he looked like in Indian version of Freddie Mercury.

CABIN WALLAH FREDDIE

6.30 p.m.

THE BIG TABLE

I had dinner tonight at the ‘Big Table’. A table for ten, five courses. 

YOU BLUE VEINED BEAUTY

Started with Scottish smoked salmon, followed by lobster, cauliflower and potato’s, washed down with a glass of house white. 

Dessert was strawberries and clotted Devon cream with a warm chocolate cookie. 

Next was a delicious Stilton with crackers, a glass of port and coffee. 

I'M STUFFED

Left, is a picture of how I felt  when we had finished. Good food, good wine and good company. What more could a man ask for? Well, maybe a bucket?

I retired to my cabin to relax and let my dinner digest. I sat and read on my balcony, sipping Champagne, which had been chilling nicely in the fridge whilst I was at my repast. I became pleasantly inebriated and watched the sun sink beneath the waves again then went to bed completely knackered but with a smile on my face.